Trevor Project

I know this is off topic from what I usually talk about but I'm doing this through fear and love. I'm bisexual. I questioned my sexuality since I was a child. In HS I came out about it, very slowly and very little. Someone called me a Dike because I held my girlfriends hand. I stopped telling people. I hid it. I slept with more men than I can count to convince myself that I was 100% straight. I wasn't. I never will be. If I fall in love with a women I will love her forever, if I fall in love with a man I will love him forever. I will no longer keep my heart closed.

This all came from watching The Dance Scene and watching Kherringtons story of her cousin who committed suicide. I've tried to kill myself, I've tried to convince myself it's not true.

I live a different life than most. I'm a swinger. I have sex with men, I have sex with women. A lot of time with couples just so I can feel the touch of a women in my life.

My parents don't know. My brother doesn't know. My sister does and accepts me for who I am.

So I no longer care.

I'm 34, I'm bisexual. Get over it.

Betrayal

Fighting through tears today. I feel like a ragdoll put through the spin cycle. The ex called yesterday realizing he had made the biggest mistake of his life. That he wanted to work it out, go to couples counseling anything. We talked a little, laughed a little. I offered to at least think about it.

We talked again today and I asked him if he'd been with any one else since we broke up. He said no. I admitted that I had. It was after we had broken up and I was single. Yes I moved on fast but it a one nighter. No emotions. He said he could forgive me so we talked more and then hung up.

Five minutes later he calls me and admits he slept with my best friend while we were still working things out. He invited her to his house for drinks and they are using the "we were drunk" excuse.

Is my betrayal just as bad? A nothing one night stand after we broke up?

The worst part is, it's not losing him for good that hurts to bad. It's the loss of a friend. I don't have many to spare and she was my partner in heart break. Experiencing her own five months ago.

I feel dead inside. The love of my life with my best friend. The ultimate betrayal.

Moving ON

Well I didn't have to wait long to be out of limbo. My ex has decided he has no faith in me to get better. How do you answer that? Clinical Depression and PTSD just don't go away on their own. It takes years of work and therapy and soul searching and he just wasn't willing to put in the time. Does my heart hurt? Hells yeah it hurts. We were in love, soul mates I believed. His promises of "Babe I'm not going anywhere ever" and "I'll never take my kids away from you" I guess fell on deaf ears. But those deaf ears were his, not mine.

I haven't cut in over 2 weeks now and I'm proud of myself. It's a small/huge step for me.

I'm moving on. Missing him every day, missing the kids more. Missing our "family" the most. But I find myself laughing again, smiling at the sun. Giggling at my psycho kitten. Finding the little joys.

Am I healed? FAR from it. Will I be one day? That' a question I cannot answer right now. Is CD and PTSD curable? Or is it like alcoholism where you are always recovering?

Either way I know this. With every day my friends, my family give me strength to get through each day one by one. And for that I am grateful.

Hiding

Why is depression such a four letter word? I know of at least ten women who suffer from some sort of depression, anxiety etc. Yet no on talks about it. Why is there no AA type meetings for depression. Hi my name is Littlemissmyway and I'm depressed and I have PTSD. See I can't even use my real name for fear it will hurt future employment or people I know will find out and judge me. I'm a cutter, I'm a crier, I can be anti social one day and the life of the party the next.

Sometimes my depression hides in the corner and sneaks up on me and I'll start to cry because I spilled my water.

I feel completely alone yet I have friends and family supporting me through all of this. I've lost the love of my life because of my depression. I lost my job because of my depression.

I take medication to stabilize me but they don't always work when I want them too.

So when I share it with people I whisper it. Like by whispering it I didn't really say it and can take it back.

I want to be better and I fight it every day. I want my life back, I want my love back. I want ME back.

Forevererer

He always promised me he wasn't going any where. PROMISED over and over again that we were forever. Now I can't even tell him I miss him with out him getting so angry with me it feels like a stab to the heart. What the fuck am I waiting for? Why am I waiting for him to make the decisions here? He left me, he gave up on me and yet I'm the one dying for him to come back. Where is my strength? Why can't I just say, you are not strong enough for me? You are not mature enough for me?

Why do I want him back so bad when it doesn't seem like he could care less. He walked out without a good-bye, without a kiss.

And yet I miss his hands and his nose and his eyes. Im miss his arms around me. Where is my strength to just say good-bye?