Teenage Suicide..Don't do it

For me suicide has never been a matter of it but when. I don't know why I think this way. I've tried to kill myself more than once, OD's mostly and it never works. I'm 34 now and I now for a fact I'll never make it to 40. Now, no, this is not a cry for help. I'm not sitting here with a gun in hand. I just know I'm not one of those people who's meant to be around that long. I really have nothing to give. I have maybe one real friend. If I did want to kill myself I'd have no one to call and say "come over I need you now". No kids, no love. Honestly the only thing that keeps me alive is my dog. If I'm gone, who would take care of her?

All of this hurt, all of it, over a heartbreak that I can't get over. I can't stand to be alone but I lock myself in. Why am I unloveable?

Depression

It's not that I don't want to get better. I do. I take my meds, I see my doctor, I see my therapist. I just can't dig myself out of this hole that I'm in. I can't leave my house. I hate people looking at me. I stay in the house, I eat. I'm building a barrier around my body that no one can touch. So that leaves me alone, all the time. I want to be alone, I want to be left alone. Yet I fee so lonely. But I'm afraid to let any one in again. How do you work past the hurt, the betrayal of someone you loved so much, a friend you let into your life, you home. How do you learn to trust again. To love again. To let any one in?

The truth will set me free

I fell in love with a man that didn't exist. I trusted a friend that betrayed me like no other. Here's what I learned last night. The day he walked out on me to "think" he stayed with her. My best friend opened her home, her bed and her legs to the man I loved. They both said I love you. He cried to me over and over again how he wanted me back loved me, all while sharing her bed and saying the same things to her. So was I his back up plan or was she?

The day he moved out of our home we shared, she was there for me the whole day. Making me laugh, being my friend. And the whole time she was wearing a beautiful mask of lies.

Little by little each lie came pouring out of both of them, both of them pointing their fingers at each other as the liar. I just don't know who I can trust any more. I do know this and here is my advice to the small group that reads this. Trust no one or risk a broken heart.

Learning to be alone

I often wonder what makes it so hard for me to just be alone. Why do I constantly seek out the attention of men to keep my company. Whether for one night, a month, a year. I realize I haven't really been single for more than ten years. I'm a serial monogamer. I don't even think that's a word but for now let's pretend it is.

I started with E, he was project #1. Broke, pot smoker but gorgeous. I tried for 2 years to fix him to make him what I wanted. That ended in fireworks. Literally it was the fourth of July and I left. Driving to my parents house with the city fireworks behind me

About a month later I met J. Project #2 13 years my senior. Maturity level of a college student, yet a genius. Also an alcoholic. I later moved on to marry J. This again lasted in a disastrous nearly 4 year divorce proceedings.

Through those four years was C. The real love of my life. Homeless, living in his car, 2 kids, a bitch of an ex wife, no drive and from what I've learned recently a pathological liar as well. Yet I loved him the most. I cry myself to sleep every night over him and wake up crying every morning that he's been gone.

Why? No seriously why? Why do I take on project men? I never really thought of myself as a project sort of girl. Are any guys out there not projects or can I just not accept the man for who they really are?

Trevor Project

I know this is off topic from what I usually talk about but I'm doing this through fear and love. I'm bisexual. I questioned my sexuality since I was a child. In HS I came out about it, very slowly and very little. Someone called me a Dike because I held my girlfriends hand. I stopped telling people. I hid it. I slept with more men than I can count to convince myself that I was 100% straight. I wasn't. I never will be. If I fall in love with a women I will love her forever, if I fall in love with a man I will love him forever. I will no longer keep my heart closed.

This all came from watching The Dance Scene and watching Kherringtons story of her cousin who committed suicide. I've tried to kill myself, I've tried to convince myself it's not true.

I live a different life than most. I'm a swinger. I have sex with men, I have sex with women. A lot of time with couples just so I can feel the touch of a women in my life.

My parents don't know. My brother doesn't know. My sister does and accepts me for who I am.

So I no longer care.

I'm 34, I'm bisexual. Get over it.

Betrayal

Fighting through tears today. I feel like a ragdoll put through the spin cycle. The ex called yesterday realizing he had made the biggest mistake of his life. That he wanted to work it out, go to couples counseling anything. We talked a little, laughed a little. I offered to at least think about it.

We talked again today and I asked him if he'd been with any one else since we broke up. He said no. I admitted that I had. It was after we had broken up and I was single. Yes I moved on fast but it a one nighter. No emotions. He said he could forgive me so we talked more and then hung up.

Five minutes later he calls me and admits he slept with my best friend while we were still working things out. He invited her to his house for drinks and they are using the "we were drunk" excuse.

Is my betrayal just as bad? A nothing one night stand after we broke up?

The worst part is, it's not losing him for good that hurts to bad. It's the loss of a friend. I don't have many to spare and she was my partner in heart break. Experiencing her own five months ago.

I feel dead inside. The love of my life with my best friend. The ultimate betrayal.

Moving ON

Well I didn't have to wait long to be out of limbo. My ex has decided he has no faith in me to get better. How do you answer that? Clinical Depression and PTSD just don't go away on their own. It takes years of work and therapy and soul searching and he just wasn't willing to put in the time. Does my heart hurt? Hells yeah it hurts. We were in love, soul mates I believed. His promises of "Babe I'm not going anywhere ever" and "I'll never take my kids away from you" I guess fell on deaf ears. But those deaf ears were his, not mine.

I haven't cut in over 2 weeks now and I'm proud of myself. It's a small/huge step for me.

I'm moving on. Missing him every day, missing the kids more. Missing our "family" the most. But I find myself laughing again, smiling at the sun. Giggling at my psycho kitten. Finding the little joys.

Am I healed? FAR from it. Will I be one day? That' a question I cannot answer right now. Is CD and PTSD curable? Or is it like alcoholism where you are always recovering?

Either way I know this. With every day my friends, my family give me strength to get through each day one by one. And for that I am grateful.