The truth will set me free

I fell in love with a man that didn't exist. I trusted a friend that betrayed me like no other. Here's what I learned last night. The day he walked out on me to "think" he stayed with her. My best friend opened her home, her bed and her legs to the man I loved. They both said I love you. He cried to me over and over again how he wanted me back loved me, all while sharing her bed and saying the same things to her. So was I his back up plan or was she?

The day he moved out of our home we shared, she was there for me the whole day. Making me laugh, being my friend. And the whole time she was wearing a beautiful mask of lies.

Little by little each lie came pouring out of both of them, both of them pointing their fingers at each other as the liar. I just don't know who I can trust any more. I do know this and here is my advice to the small group that reads this. Trust no one or risk a broken heart.

Learning to be alone

I often wonder what makes it so hard for me to just be alone. Why do I constantly seek out the attention of men to keep my company. Whether for one night, a month, a year. I realize I haven't really been single for more than ten years. I'm a serial monogamer. I don't even think that's a word but for now let's pretend it is.

I started with E, he was project #1. Broke, pot smoker but gorgeous. I tried for 2 years to fix him to make him what I wanted. That ended in fireworks. Literally it was the fourth of July and I left. Driving to my parents house with the city fireworks behind me

About a month later I met J. Project #2 13 years my senior. Maturity level of a college student, yet a genius. Also an alcoholic. I later moved on to marry J. This again lasted in a disastrous nearly 4 year divorce proceedings.

Through those four years was C. The real love of my life. Homeless, living in his car, 2 kids, a bitch of an ex wife, no drive and from what I've learned recently a pathological liar as well. Yet I loved him the most. I cry myself to sleep every night over him and wake up crying every morning that he's been gone.

Why? No seriously why? Why do I take on project men? I never really thought of myself as a project sort of girl. Are any guys out there not projects or can I just not accept the man for who they really are?